(ed. note – This is part two of a two-part series comparing professional athletes to fruits and vegetables. Part One was about basketball players and citrus. It is here)
Not exactly sure what crossed my friend Lisa’s mind when she thought of comparing NFL quarterbacks to squash, but here it goes; we’re comparing NFL quarterbacks to squash. I suppose I can see why squash; autumnal, hearty, the backbone of any good cornucopia. Because squash. It’s go time.
- Russell Wilson = Kabocha – Lisa gets credit for this one. Kabocha has an awesome name. Russell Wilson is awesome. It’s overlooked by the more well-known squash (butternut, pumpkin, spaghetti), but it has its own style and personality, yet can fit in any scheme. Like Russell. And we love both. Added bonus for the underdog status both have. #GoHawks
- Matthew Stafford = Pattypan – A pattypan squash looks cool; bright yellow, funky shape akin to a flying saucer, fun name, fits in your hand. But it really sucks. No flavor and it just ends up taking space in your CSA. Just like how Matthew Stafford takes up space on your fantasy football team.
- Tony Romo = Pumpkin – We know the Tony Romo narrative; brilliance balanced by boneheadedness. There are two camps; Romo Haters and Romo Apologizers. One side thinks he’s the greatest QB ever. The other thinks that he’ll never be good. Just like a pumpkin. And what happens in that fairy tale when the clock strikes midnight? Sorry Romo fans.
- Colin Kaepernick = Spaghetti – You want to like the idea of spaghetti squash. It’s a vegetable that you can carve out to replicate spaghetti noodles. But you know what? It’s not spaghetti. And it’s barely even a vegetable. Just like Colin Kaepernick is barely a quarterback.
- Peyton Manning = Butternut – If you look at the word enough, butternut is goofy. But it’s also excellent. Impressive body of work. You can find it in Costco. Best in warm dishes. Ergo, Peyton Manning.
- Drew Brees = Acorn – Diminutive in size, but more than makes up for it in ability. Adaptable and squeezes every ounce out of its ability. Much respect for Acorn.
- Aaron Rodgers = Delicata – A near perfect squash. Fine on its own. Yet the rare squash that is complete and comfortable in its skin. Stayed in the background and bided its time while a much more boisterous (and annoying) squash took the limelight; zucchini.
There you have it. A quick rundown comparing NFL quarterbacks to squash. And not to leave out Tom Brady as he’s a buttercup. #GoHawks
What started out as an innocuous tweet to kill time (as most tweets are wont to do) has morphed into this odd rabbit hole trip down my psyche. And now I’m sharing this with you.
Here is the tweet:
I lost a few followers after this (haters from Cleveland or haters of greatness?), so I naturally wanted to go further down this spiral:
Which led into a talk with my dear friend Lisa Kennelly about citrus and squash and how to place their attributes onto professional athletes. This is that breakdown. Why citrus and squash? Citrus was because I was having a Satsuma mandarin the morning of the Lebron tweet. I started thinking of how great Satsumas are, but they also get pigeonholed with Clementines, which I find inferior (in this scenario, the current Dwyane Wade is a Clementine. Chris Bosh will never be a Clementine). Squash because Lisa suggested it. Here we go. We’ll start with NBA and we’ll do NFL in a couple of days… (ed. note – I don’t even watch the NBA anymore, I tend to follow headlines and the general feel of players from conversations. Why don’t I watch NBA? Because of Howard Schultz. Want the whole story? Watch this.)
- Lebron James = Satsuma Mandarin – I feel this way because a Satsuma borders on perfection. In the depths of winter, this little dollop of citrus deliciousness is the perfect tonic. Much like Lebron. Instead of delicious, he’s enacting a perfect storm of basketball. No need to say more, it’s Lebron James. Or a Satsuma.
- Paul George = Meyer Lemon – Paul George doesn’t get enough credit for being awesome. Which he has in common with Meyer Lemons. A touch of sweetness with enough of a pucker punch, Meyer Lemons have such a round acidic flavor that add a ton to any dish. Paul George’s game is so tight, he leads an Indiana Pacers team capable of knocking off a Satsuma. Meyer Lemons are that good.
- Damian Lillard or Stephen Curry – Key Lime – I’m still not sure who should be Key Lime; Lillard or Curry. Take it this way, both are so sneaky good and hard to find. Both are integral to their team. Imagine making a Key Lime pie without the Keys; it’s just a lime pie. People don’t want a lime pie. People don’t want the Warriors without Curry or the Blazers without Lillard
- Dwight Howard = Navel Orange – The idea of a Navel Orange is good. It’s an orange. It’s healthy. But it pretty much stops there. It’s really only good for zest. The peel is a pain in the butt. You have no idea if the fruit will taste any good. It’s rather insipid. Which is why it’s Dwight Howard.
- Kevin Durant = Bergamot – Let’s focus purely on the nose and aroma of a Bergamot. Fragrant, nuanced, amazing. You can be utterly taken with a bergamot. You don’t realize how good a bergamot is. Ladies and Gentlemen, Kevin Durant.
- Michael Jordan = Sumo – Don’t know the Sumo? You better get on that. It’s the GOAT.
There you have it. A brief rundown of comparing NBA players to citrus. Stay tuned for later this week where we compare NFL Quarterbacks to squash. Bring Back our Supersonics.